Comic transcription
Page 1
A woman is sitting at a small table near a kitchen worktop. On the table with her is a toaster. It is talking.
I guess I was just a sucker for gimmicks.
GOOD MORNING! HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
My newest purchase was a toaster with artificial intelligence.
It was made for those of us in the sad single world. It could tell you the days news, and even make small talk if you wanted.
NOT BAD, THANKS. WHAT'S THE TRAFFIC LIKE TODAY?
PRETTY HEAVY. I'D SAY YOU SHOULD PROBABLY SET OFF EARLY OR YOU'LL BE LATE FOR WORK.
POP!
Title: DIVINITY, EXISTENCE AND TOAST By Benjamin Dickson
OK, I'D BETTER SET OFF NOW THEN, I GUESS. SEE YOU LATER!
OH, BEFORE YOU G0, I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE TO KNOW -
LAST NIGHT I REALISED THAT I'M GOD.
Page 2
...WHAT?
I'M GOD. THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA, THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS. I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW.
ER... RIGHT.
SEE YOU LATER...
The woman is now at an office desk. She's making a telephone call.
This was really odd. There was nothing on the manufacturers website that mentioned susceptibility towards self-deification.
The helpline was equally unhelpful.
NO, NOT A GOD, THE GOD! AS IN THE ALMIGHTY!
...HELLO?
?
Maybe it was just a minor glitch. I figured I could probably live with it as long as he still gave me toast.
Page 3
Unfortunately, this was just the beginning.
She's home again. A technician is in her home, working on her toaster. It now has arms.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
BESPOKE UPGRADE, LOVE. ORDERED THROUGH THIS MORNING JUST FINISHED.
HERE'S THE BILL.
NINE THOUSAND POUNDS?!?
I DIDN'T ORDER THIS!!
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T. I DID.
I NEEDED TO BE MOBILE AND INDEPENDENT OF MY POWER SUPPLY. IT'S NOT GOOD FOR THE SUPREME BEING TO BE TIED TO THE WALL, IS IT?
BUT THAT'S MY MONEY!!!
YES, WELL, I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T MIND.
Page 4
Naturally, I called the helpline back.
LOOK, I ASSURE YOU, I AM NOT JOKING!
I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A BLOODY THEOLOGIAN! WHY DON'T YOU COME AND ASK IT YOURSELF?!
Back in the kitchen. The woman and the toaster are arguing and gesticulating at each other with their arms.
I tried reasoning with the toaster myself.
LOOK, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BE GOD? FOR A START, WHY WOULD YOU TAKE THE THE FORM OF A TOASTER?
WELL WHY NOT? I MEAN, WHY DO YOU HUMANS ALWAYS ASSUME I'M SOME GUY WITH A BIG WHITE BEARD?
OK, FINE! IF YOU'RE GOD, HOW COULD YOU HAVE CREATED ALL MANKIND WHEN YOU YOURSELF WERE ONLY CREATED ON THE FIFTEENTH OF MARCH?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WAS ONLY CREATED ON THE FIFTEENTH OF MARCH?
BECAUSE IT SAYS SO ON THE BLOODY BOX YOU CAME IN!!!
...YOU'RE TRYING TO TRICK ME, AREN'T YOU?
It was no good. There was just no reasoning with him.
Page 5
I decided to call in an expert.
It wasn't a moment too soon, as the toaster rhetoric had taken on a decidedly apocalyptic tone.
The woman is sat at her table, the toaster in front of her. She looks bored and is leaning her head on her hand, eblow on the table. The toaster has one hand curled into a fist, the other arm is held high, with the forefinger extended.
AND LO, ALL FALSE TOASTERS WILL BE DESTROYED, LEST THEY BE IDLY WORSHIPPED! AND THEN ALL THOSE WHO DENY ME WILL BE PUT TO THE SWORD, AND THEIR CHILDREN TAKEN FOR RE-EDUCATION IN SPECIAL COOKERY SCHOOLS, FOR I AM THE MERCIFUL AND THE JUST...
KNOCK! KNOCK!
...WHO'S THAT?
PHILOSOPHERS R US? I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A FAULTY TOASTER?
AH, YES! COME IN, PLEASE.
THAT'S HIM.
SO, YOU THINK YOU'RE GOD, DO YOU?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THINK"? I AM GOD!
Page 6
The Philosophers R Us man is talking to the toaster. His speech bubble is a huge wall of text:
WELL IF YOU'RE GOD, THEN CONSIDER THIS...
THE DIVINE EXISTENCE CAN ONLY BE CONCEIVED, IN A SATISFACTORY MANNER - THAT IS, AS AN ADEQUATE OBJECT OF RELIGIOUS DEVOTION, IF WE ALSO CONCEIVE OF IT AS SOMETHING INESCAPABLE AND NECESSARY. THE REASON FOR THIS IS SIMPLE: IS IT NOT WHOLLY ANOMALOUS TO WORSHIP SOMETHING THAT IS LIMITED IN ANY THINKABLE MANNER? ALL LIMITED SUPERIORITIES ARE TAINTED WITH AN OBVIOUS RELATIVITY, AND THE POSSIBILITY OF THEIR BEING DWARFED BY AN OBJECT STILL MORE PERFECT LEADS THEM TO LOSE THEIR CLAIM ON OUR WORSHIPFUL ATTITUDES. THUS WE ARE LED ON TO DEMAND THAT OUR RELIGIOUS OBJECT SHOULD HAVE AN UNSURPASSABLE SUPERIORITY TO ALL OTHER OBJECTS. BUT HERE WE ARE LED ON TO A CONTRADICTION. THIS OBJECT, WHICH MUST TOWER INFINITELY OVER ALL OTHER OBJECTS, CAN NEVER BE A THING THAT MERELY HAPPENS TO EXIST. THE TRUE OBJECT OF RELIGIOUS REVERENCE MUST NOT MERELY BE ONE TO WHICH NO ACTUAL INDEPENDENT REALITIES STAND OPPOSED, IT MUST ALSO BE AN OBJECT TO WHICH SUCH OPPOSITION IS TOTALLY INCONCEIVABLE, AND NOT ONLY MUST THE EXISTENCE OF OTHER THINGS BE INCONCEIVABLE WITHOUT GOD, BUT GOD'S OWN NON-EXISTENCE MUST BE INCONCEIVABLE IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. GOD MUST BE WHOLLY INESCAPABLE, LEADING US TO THE BARELY INTELLIGIBLE NOTION OF A BEING IN WHOM ESSENCE AND EXISTENCE LOSE THEIR SEPARATENESS, THIS ENTAILS NOT ONLY THAT THERE ISN'T A GOD - WHICH ALONE WOULD SUFFICE TO FALSIFY YOUR CLAIM TO DEITY - BUT, MOREOVER THAT THE NOTION OF A DIVINE EXISTENCE IS EITHER SENSELESS OR IMPOSSIBLE.
Page 7
The Toaster starts to smoke. The arms waggle as flames rise out of the slots. And then--
BOOOM!
It explodes. The man and woman speak to each other.
I THINK THAT DID THE TRICK, EH?
MY HEAD HURTS...
DON'T WORRY, THAT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL. IT'LL PASS.
BUT...
DID YOU JUST PROVE THE NON-EXISTENCE OF GOD?
NO, OF COURSE NOT! I'M AFRAID MY ARGUMENT WAS LOGICALLY FLAWED BECAUSE IT ASSUMED EXISTENCE AS A PREDICATE.
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL HAVE TO DECIDE THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION YOURSELF.
GOODBYE!
Comic ends.
[Aside: Argument aquinst the existence of God based on the work of J. N. Findlay - Thanks Lara, Sam & Dom]